2025

It is common courtesy to bitch about the year just passed. I will attempt to keep it constructive.

If I was in a worse place, 2025 would have fucking killed me. There are enough good things that can be salvaged from this period that I can look back on with great pride. I'll get the bad news out of the way first - this needs to be ended on a good note.

We lost Ellie in May. There are many thoughts here, few of which can make its way into text in a way that feels right. But her impact is still felt every day. I saw the worst of people in ways that I previously never thought possible, and that too will never leave us. Since then, the way I approach my life is radically different. Nobody will look out for us, but us.

Getting fired from a job sucks. Even when you get a decent payout from it. I'm safe for a few months, but the good financial run of the last few years is over. The wind behind my back that allowed me to secure a roof over my head petered out just as I was feeling rather safe in this new setup. At least I got nearly all of the renovations done. But now I'm running everything through budgets, calculations, recalculations, to see how far I can get by on what I have. More cutbacks are needed.

My heart is a stupid bastard that can't make its mind up. While multitudes of scans showed little structurally wrong, I still go through heartrate spikes, blood pressure inconsistencies, and a general weariness that grows with each incident. Each of us faces one of these seismic moments at some point in our lives, I suppose. I'm just disappointed it was this soon. The way I plan out activities is now done with a lingering shadow of doubt - if something happens, do I have meds/equipment to take care of it? Have I an overnight bag on standby? Do I have the money for yet another consultation?

Muffin broke his leg in spectacular and expensive fashion. Plus I think he did additional damage several months later. That boy is quite something. And also expensive.

No pondering about 2025 would be complete without the overarching horror of watching the world blatantly and willingly slide into destructive hysteria. Which is the eternal story of humanity, of course, but it hits different when your access to healthcare is kicked around for political football, your public existence a source of "debate" for rats in suits, your recognition a tool of fearmongering. It will get worse before it gets better. And whenever it does, the rats will twist the rhetoric and hate into something more muted, pretend it never happened, and sit smirking waiting for the next opportunity to wipe us out. All while screaming oppression for having to observe our existence.

Some good things!~

Transitioning is going wonderfully. I love seeing myself in the mirror now. There's been a huge breakthrough in the last three months that hasn't relented. I have clothes I like, styles I'll always be playing around with, and a growing comfort in myself. I can see myself growing old now, and it is pleasant.

In the summer when I legally changed my name, it marked a seismic shift of attitude. No longer was this a joy that happened to other people, it was real and I could live it. I invited about 12 people - and would have brought double that if any restaurant could have fitted us - out to a restaurant after the name change was complete. It gave the milestone a nice little event to look back fondly on. These people and so many others are the reason I made it this far. Without them, why even bother?

I understand myself increasingly better with time. I'm more out there when it comes to things like kink, attending new events, meeting new kinds of people, and it all feels rather comfortable, if daunting at the same time. Being surrounded by the right people was again necessary here. I have plenty of ways to go, but I'm becoming more myself by the day. And having a great time :>

I have met a wonderful range of people this year. I want to cling onto them for dear life, fix all of their problems for them with a wave of a wand, and share every life experience now that it can finally be this joyful. Not realistic to apply this to the many people I'm thinking of here, but it's a lovely sentiment that motivates me.

I went to Copenhagen! So Copenhagen! A charming city with even more charming inhabitants. My relationship network is snugly nestled in this city - I know more people in my poly chain in Denmark than I do everywhere else combined. It was a super 9 days^[1] spent at a relaxed pace, with tabletop games and easy food being the overarching themes. I spent hours in deep conversation with people whom I greatly admire, which was pivotal to helping me in several areas of my life. Also the cuddle puddles :3

---

My main goal with this writing is to look back on the positives with more energy than that spent on the negatives. I could stay angry for the rest of my life - and I will - but it is nothing without the joys worth fighting for. When I do a similar post for 2026, I would love nothing more than it being an extension of all the wonderful progress in 2025.