Touch, But Actually Constructive This Time

My therapist asked me to do an interesting exercice recently. A generally-known technique called the River Of Life, I was to map out a key event from each year of my life. It could be a structural change like moving house or starting a new school/job, or an emotional change like a new best friend or partner. You can look this format up online, and find some interesting personal examples and variants of this.

Far from the colourful samples you'll see on an internet search, my attempt at this was done solely in black pen. It drew a tale of me stumbling from one situation to another, where the person with power over me - teacher, parent, partner - wielded it against me. It took until one event at Age 18, and several at Age 28, where I wrote down something nice.

With each event, I also was asked to note what lesson I took from the experience. Getting bullied by a teacher in full view of the class taught 12-year-old me that I should hate myself for my differences. Much like the experiences from Age 6-11. The treatment from my parents, physical or otherwise, taught me that I could not trust them to speak with honestly. And the experiences of living with my first partner taught me too much that I still struggle to put into words.

And so it goes. I've written about this before a few times. It's helpful to a degree. What's a lot more unclear is where to go from here.

Therapy has been some use here, but isn't the whole story. The aim there is to reduce the blame I put on myself for the events of the past, that have happened and are well and truly over, even if they persist in the mind. Little meaningful events in real life still trip me up.

Someone close to me gave me a hug last year. They're a personality type very close to me, and it meant a lot. They raised their hand a bit, and I felt fingers raking through some of my hair. My brain sets off a silent alarm of sorts. I step back, then get some space. Once alone, I get the sensations my brain was holding back - one of neck pain from being twisted out of place, and another of cold fear. Two separate events from very different times.

I was annoyed at myself afterwards. For not being able to exchange an empathetic gesture like everyone else. Even if the mental reasoning for being unable to was there.

A few days later, I was on a night out with friends. I was in a new environment, with a mix of some known people and mostly new, a nice amount of being out of my comfort zone while still having safeties to fall back on. Not exactly wild stuff by the way - it was mostly a board game cafe, then a walk with a friend, and midnight burgers. But I was more acutely aware of my mental barriers and fears of unsafety than before, and maybe ashamed of them.

I don't quite know what pushed my interest that night. But I remember expressing to a friend that I felt safe in a way that felt novel to me, which bemused the hell out of her. Which was very funny in retrospect.

When I got back home, I curled up into bed with my girlfriend already there. Wrapped up as safe and cozy as I could be, I wondered if I could broach my biggest boundary, and asked her to touch my face. Back of the fingers only. And I was facing the other way, being scared of seeing it happen. She obliged, and I cried my eyes out. Most of it was upset from the realisation on what I'd been denying myself for so many years.

It's still a boundary I have with people. It just can't be broken down that easily. But there is a possibility of a path to breaking it down, which never existed before.

Looking ahead now. Moreso than bottom surgery, I'm actually more interested in Facial Feminisation Surgery. Outside of the cost barrier - being out of work still is a bitch - I have unique considerations before I could reliably get surgery. For years I had scars on my head from raking my nails through them, as a stress response. That caused enough damage that I would probably get some areas grafted if possible. It's a big if.

I've felt enough confidence recently to pay more attention and care to it. There's been a little bit of recovery. Enough that I can see the parts of the rehabilitation that's already occurred. It's not just a future thing any more.