Recharging

I've written a little bit before about burnout creeping up on me while I didn't notice. It has most certainly hit me harder than I would have expected.

Plenty of factors in my life have shifted in the last few months. I returned to work in May - I was sufficiently healthy and able for it, and it's gone smoother than initially feared. Unfortunately, as most full-time jobs do, it annihilates most free time we have. In my case, I wasn't making good use of my free time to begin with, and noticed far too late how little my hobby satisfaction changed.

Some of my existing interests had dropped off. I stepped away from F1 media archiving, after feeling that I'd reached the majority of satisfaction from my achievements, and had shifted into more of a "maintenance" approach. I was putting increasing amounts of time and money into maintaining what had already been built, for the benefit of a larger community which couldn't really see how much work was required for it. So I withdrew, giving a full year's notice to those in the know that others needed to step up in order to keep the annual improvements going. I don't intend on discovering how this resolves.

Picking up new interests has been extremely difficult for a long time. I tell myself that it's not worth it to try something new unless I'm absolutely sure it'll be enjoyable, which is obviously impossible to assess in advance. As a result, I shirked away from a lot of media - virtually all new TV shows, films, and video games pass me by.

I got into the Lancer TTRPG this year. Overall it's a fun mech-based game, with plenty of ways for players to explore and exploit the various systems. The group I'm in is wonderful as well. Unfortunately, like most TTRPGs, the sessions take up a huge amount of time, which has been a drain on my energy. I simply can't handle what most others easily can, and I'd rather be proactive about this versus reacting far too late.

There's been plenty of other endeavours. I've hugely expanded my social scene, getting involved with more people, doing more activities^[1], and overall feeling better about my standing than a year ago, two years ago, and certainly three years ago. The time I spend with others is always worth it and leaves me satisfied that I'm doing the right things for the right reasons.

But the burnout is still there. And it's getting more and more difficult to reconcile that.

The effort of keeping up with Everything in the modern life feels increasingly impossible. I reduce the amount of Discord servers I'm in, and I check them less frequently. I simplified and reduced what I read online daily. It achieved shockingly little.

There's been several tabs in my browser, containing interesting reads for my next iteration of What I'm Reading. I haven't looked at them in two months. Every time, the brainpower telling me that I "should" engage in them dwindles. There's very little left. The tabs are now just a spot of colour in the corner of my vision.

I applied myself to a high commitment long-term project late last year. Not the type that can be discussed openly, even/especially if it's important. I was hoping that some satisfaction would come off achieving a good that extended way beyond myself. It has struggled to take off. Not due to any meaningful failure, but because of its inability to grab other people's attention beyond soundbites and empty promises of assistance. That has shot my confidence more than everything else above combined.

So I sit here, trying to force my brain to be honest about what it fixates on every day. Some positive - like the lovely people I have surrounded myself with, even if I pine after them quite a lot - and some negative, mostly about the state of the world. I can only control so much. I'd like my brain to be one of those things.

More has to change for me to be able to recharge. I know what activities, and what people, bring me joy and leave me in a better place. Leaving the rest behind has been more difficult than expected. ^[1]